


Maybe Valentine

by xDestinyIsCallingx



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Hopeful Ending, I know what you're thinking, M/M, Space is a very nice backdrop to confess. Alright!?, What is it with this girl and romantic conversations in observatories?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-29 07:30:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17803688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xDestinyIsCallingx/pseuds/xDestinyIsCallingx
Summary: Valentines day isn't the best of times for Jim Kirk. But maybe that's going to change.





	Maybe Valentine

**Author's Note:**

> I first wrote this as a Christmas fic but Christmas came and went and I hadn't finished it but then Valentines cropped up and well, here we go.

Did Jim hate Valentines? Yes and No.

No, because the occasion in particular had nothing to do with his less than happy mood and yes because it reminded him too keenly of his lack of reasons to celebrate.

"Lighten up!" Is what Bones would say, "You're alive aren't you? Stop moping and enjoy yourself."

And of course, annoyingly, he was right, he should be more thankful but he couldn't help thinking about all the people who hadn't made it this year, the people he'd failed, who may have had someone waiting. Another reason for his less than fond feelings for the day was because he'd always considered the occasion to spend with people you loved and well, Jim hadn't loved anyone in a long time. Relationships had come and gone and none had lasted all for the same reason, he couldn't give them what they wanted which was his undivided love and attention but unfortunately for them and sometimes he thought for himself, his affections were solely for his beautiful ship.

Yes, the USS Enterprise was the one who held Jim Kirk's heart and he'd heard enough jokes about it to know it sounded ridiculous but how could one not adore and worship such a divine piece of workmanship? She was stunning in every way, from her sleek look to her modern and technologically advanced interior. He could barely spare eyes for anything else.

Or so people thought. If he was honest he did have eyes for something or more specifically someone. His First Officer, Spock.

Shocking, no? Well, to others it might seem so. Some might even say it was a pointless, no pun intended, endeavour. Jim knew it wasn't perhaps the best of choices, only in the sense that to seek reciprocation in feelings from a Vulcan was, perhaps, wishful thinking and he knew that Spock was very adamant on not possessing emotions, of any nature. Jim of course didn't believe him, he would often catch the distinctive show of emotion cross his angular features whenever he heard something displeasing or illogical. And he'd even seen Spock smile, so as much as Spock liked to deny his having feelings of any kind, Jim would always know precisely the opposite. It would be a game they would play, Jim teasing Spock about him being more human than he realised and Spock making a quick witted remark to fire back, surprising Jim with his subtle humour and ironically proving his point, but Jim never says anything just smiles amusedly at Spock's retreat.

 

*******

 

Uhura was humming at her station, some lovely tune and Jim was enjoying the calming tone of her voice whilst there was a rare moment of quiet on the bridge. Scotty was off to the side, talking to some crewmen he'd seen sparingly.

She was lovely and saw Scotty go doe eyed over her immediately. He smiled to himself as Scotty said something that made her laugh. What a nice feeling it was to make a woman laugh. He was lost in his own thoughts, a presence beside him brought him out of them.

Jim looked up at Spock.

"Mister Spock?"

Spock seemed hesitant for a minute.

"Is there something the matter?"

"No, Mister Spock, why do I look like there is?"

"Nothing of significance, Captain. You merely looked...wistful."

Kirk's brow raised.

"Wistful? What would I be wistful for?"

"I cannot answer that, sir. But perhaps you would care to join me in a game of chess later on?"

Kirk quirked a smile.

"Thank you, Spock. I believe I shall."

Spock simply gave a slight nod before returning to his station.

Odd, Jim thought. He hadn't thought he was being so obvious as to have Spock notice his slightly off mood today. He'd have to be more careful he couldn't afford to be that transparent. Maybe he shouldn't have agreed to that chess game but then again if he had declined that may have been more suspicious. Oh well, the mental stimulus should be enough to take his mind off things, he could use the distraction for a little.

Uhura stepped down then a PADD in her hand. She handed it to him to sign.

"Will you be joining us later, Captain?" She asked.

He looked at her curiously as he handed it back. "For what?"

She smiled and leaned in a little. "A few of us are getting together for Valentines. It's kind of an excuse to relax a little."

Jim smiled softly. "That sounds nice but I already have an engagement."

Uhura let her eyes flick quickly to Spock who had until a second ago been looking over.

"Oh." She said a knowing smile disappearing as quickly as it appeared before Jim would notice. "I see. Well, thank you, Captain. I hope you enjoy yourself." She turned back to her station.

Jim pouted his lips in a slight questioning expression at Uhura's behaviour. He shook it off, oh well, at least some people were going to be having fun today.

 

*******

 

His shift was nearing completion, Spock's had finished just a few hours before him. He felt the tiredness setting in and hoped he could muster up enough energy to keep up with Spock in their upcoming game. He stifled a yawn as he moved into the turbo lift. As he descended he thought about maybe he wasn't all that prepared to spend an evening with Spock. His emotions had been a little all over the place lately, but he had already agreed. He stepped out and stood outside of Spock's quarters which opened a moment later.

As Jim walked in he noticed Spock's changed attire. He was now wearing his Vulcan robes, well his evening had improved somewhat more by that fact alone, Spock's robes were always very flattering.

Spock took the opportunity to look him over as well.

"You are tired, Captain."

Jim shook his head and held up a hand.

"No, no. I'm fine. And please, we're off duty. Call me Jim."

Spock inclined his head. "Very well, Jim. Would you care for a drink?" He said motioning to a glass vile filled with golden liquid.

"I didn't think you drank."

"I do not. But I had deduced that you may be in need of one."

Jim rubbed the back of his neck. "I have a feeling you may be right. Thanks."

Spock poured him a drink and handed it to him. He then indicated to the game he already had set up. Jim took a seat and set his drink down.

"Are we starting a new game?"

"Yes. We had concluded our last a few days ago."

"Ah, that's right." Jim pretended to think. "Who won last time? I can't quite remember."

Spock gave him a pointed look. "You are well aware that you were the victor."

Jim snapped his fingers. "Oh, that's right! Silly of me to forget. Well, all's not lost Spock, you may have a chance tonight." Jim brought his drink up to take a sip but stopped short of drinking. "Come to think of it, perhaps you are trying to gain advantage by using drink to lessen my chances of beating you."

"A preposterous claim, Jim. I've no need to cheat to best you."

Jim eyebrows raised in surprised amusement and tipped his head to say "touche" before taking a drink.

"Alright, then. If you're feeling so confident," He rubbed his hands together. "I'll try and take it easy on you."

"Most gracious of you but not necessary." Spock replied, taking the first move.

"So it's like that." Jim smirked, making a bold first move of his own.

Spock almost questioned the irrationality of the move, but knowing Jim's ability to change his tactics with almost every game he kept quiet hoping to figure out his line of attack in the the next few moves.

As usual Spock was no where near making sense of Jim's style. Once again he had changed strategies, right in the middle of the game. He was mulling his next move, his hands clasped in front of him, he was considering the bishop when he had the distinct feeling of having eyes on him. His gaze drifted to Jim who was indeed staring at him, head supported by a hand as he rested casually on the other side of the board simply watching Spock. He must have been lost in thought because he didn't realise Spock was looking back at him immediately. When he did he blinked a few times before lowering his eyes and clearing his throat and returning his gaze back to the game. Spock considered Jim for a few moments more.

"Do you wish to continue the game at a later time?"

"No, besides I don't think this game will go on much longer."

"You sound confident."

Jim internally relaxed. "I'd say there can't be more than six moves left." His eyes held a sparkle as he looked back at Spock.

Spock held Jim's gaze then eyed the board. Six moves? That couldn't be possible. Unless... Jim was trying to throw him off. A possibility.

"We shall see. But something tells me you are not fully focused on the game."

"What makes you say that?"

Spock didn't break eye contact as he picked up a piece and placed it deliberately on the next level, an advantageous move that threatened Jim's king. Jim looked a little dumbfounded, he was sure he was giving Spock the run around, he had been distracted by Spock though. It was just that he was admiring the way Spock was deciding his next move and how he looked good in his robes and yeah, maybe he was a little more tired than he had thought. He internally chided himself for being caught watching.

Jim's progress as far had been practically undone by Spock's one move. He was pinned with very few options, if he moved his bishop it would leave his king unguarded. If he moved his knight the same would be said for his queen and his queen was in no position to defend her king. There had to be a way to save this game. Spock waited patiently but quietly amused at seeing Jim so stumped.

After a few more moments Jim had concluded that there was no other option than to forfeit the game, any move he could attempt would end in his defeat. He chuckled and sat back.

"I think you got me, Spock."

"Are you sure you would not like to attempt to gain back the upper hand?"

Jim shook his head. "You got me beat. I'll admit it."

"It was not an easy victory. You may have even taken the game if you were in full form."

Jim's brow furrowed and was about to argue when a yawn rose up which he tried to stifle. "I see what you mean. I wouldn't sell yourself short though, I wasn't exactly playing by the book."

"I noticed."

Jim's lips quirked.

"Well, I won't take up more of your evening. I'll let you bask in the glow of your win. But don't get used to it." Jim stood, feeling the tiredness a little more keenly now. He really wanted to get some sleep. Another yawn escaped and he rubbed at his eyes.

Spock considered him a moment.

"Perhaps, I should not have kept you so long. You are in need of rest."

"Don't worry about it, Spock. I enjoyed our game. I'll have to think up a more challenging strategy for next time."

"I shall look forward to it, Jim."

Jim smiled.

"Goodnight, Spock."

"Goodnight."

*******

 

Jim rubbed at his neck as he sat at the edge of his bed, shirt and boots discarded at the end it. He laid back, closing his eyes. He could feel the tiredness in his mind and in his body but actual sleep seemed to elude him. He had tried to shut off his mind, settle it enough to actually get some rest but his mind, even in it's foggy state of sleepiness wandered to thoughts of Spock. It wouldn't be so irritating if he wasn't so tired, it was a useless thing to think about at this time anyway, what would be gained from pining over him at any moment? The game tonight had proven that he was a little too far gone for his First Officer.

He sighed in frustration into the darkness as he readjusted his position again. How long ago had he left Spock's quarters? Three, maybe four hours ago? Sleep seemed impossible now because he was getting frustrated and he couldn't force sleep. He sat up once again, maybe a walk around the ship might drain some of his restlessness. He slipped on his boots, but forewent his yellow command shirt, opting to only adorn his black undershirt.

He'd completed three whole levels before he'd had enough. Fortunately he was near the observatory deck, a place he often frequented on nights like these.

He sometimes thought about moving his quarters to hear as he sat on the floor looking out into the vast expanse of space. It was a beautiful sight and no matter how far he roamed or how long he spent amongst the stars, he would never grow accustomed to the sight of them neither would his awe ever wane. Looking at them now settled something deep inside him.

He didn't know how long he'd been there but he measured it must have been some time because Spock had entered, not saying anything and planting himself next to his captain.

Jim looked at him surprised to see him there, Spock said nothing, neither did he look at Jim.

"What are you doing here?"

Spock turned his head to look at him now.

"I-"

He seemed conflicted but after a moment continued.

"I sensed your... uneasiness."

Jim tensed a little at that. Spock must have noticed because he was quick to reassure.

"I did not mean to pry. It was only a faint feeling. I felt... compelled to seek you out."

Jim relaxed and let a smile show. Spock seemed disturbed by his connection to Jim and if he was honest he was a little apprehensive about it too but there was also some sense of comfort knowing that Spock was here now, even if he was here to try and take his mind off of him.

"There has been something on your mind lately."

Jim's eyes snapped up to meet Spock's, where they had refocused back towards the window.

Jim opened his mouth then closed it.

"It's nothing of consequence."

"But if there is-"

"It's nothing. Alright?"

Spock raised an eyebrow but did not press further, Jim closed his eyes feeling instantly guilty for his snappy response.

"I'm sorry, Spock."

"Apologies are not-"

"Necessary, yes I know. I am anyway."

Spock nodded in acknowledgement then pondered a moment.

"May I be so bold as to ask you what is troubling you?"

Jim gave a lop sided smile.

"What makes you think there's something troubling me?"

Spock did not speak but his look said, "I'm not blind."

Jim's smile fell and he dropped his shoulders. So it seemed Spock had noticed, Jim had a moment of panic then, what if he had _noticed_. He looked at Spock, he couldn't tell but surely Spock hadn't found out about his feelings for him.

He hadn't told anyone, oh god, he hadn't been that obvious for Spock to notice had he? He calmed himself enough to address him.

"Maybe there has been a few things on my mind but it is nothing to concern yourself with, Spock."

"I would not mention it otherwise but I feel it is something which is effecting you to concentrate."

Shit. Jim laughed almost nervously.

"I appreciate it Spock but there really isn't anything-"

"Jim."

He snapped his mouth closed.

"If I can offer advice, I would be happy to give it."

Jim let a small smile pull at his lips.

"Thank you, Mister Spock. But I'm sure you don't want to hear about my woes, I wouldn't ask that of you."

"Jim, as well as being your First Officer I am your friend. I do not mind if you would need someone to listen."

Jim debated with himself, bad idea, maybe not so bad idea, terrible idea, but maybe...

He exhaled.

"I guess I'm just... lonely."

Spock heard Jim's confession and wasn't overly surprised that that was what was weighing on his friends mind. He knew Jim had the tendency to feel loneliness, he was not a man meant for one night stands and short flings but Spock often thought he engaged in them to bridge the gap between bouts of his forlornness. He himself did not have the same need to find love and completeness with another being, not since more recent years anyway. But that was a matter for him to deal with, Jim was seeking his friendship and comfort right now, he would do his utmost to offer it.

"Isolating yourself is not the best of ways to counteract loneliness, Jim. It will do you no favours in the end."

"Perhaps not. But being alone sometimes can be a comfort."

"That, does not make much sense."

Jim huffed a small laugh.

"It doesn't, does it?"

"I sense there is something else which is troubling you. If I may be so bold to point out of course, but the past few weeks you have seemed... unlike yourself."

Jim licked his lips nervously.

"Really? I hadn't noticed."

"If you do not wish to talk about it I will not inquire further but if you would want to-"

"Thank you, Mister Spock. And you're right. There is something else, but you don't have to hear about it." Jim tried to brush it off, rubbing the back of his neck trying to seem off hand about his feelings.

"Jim."

He looked up to meet dark brown eyes showing nothing but kindness and open friendship.

"I am your friend."

Jim smiled and relaxed somewhat.

"You sure?"

"I would not ask if I was not."

Jim nodded once.

"Fair enough."

He sighed.

"I suppose I'm having a sort of internal conflict."

Spock raised an eyebrow but said nothing, allowing Jim to continue.

"I've recently realised I have feelings for someone."

"And that is troubling you because?"

Jim laughed, maybe nervously Spock noticed.

"They're more than likely unrequited. Actually I'm pretty sure they are."

"You are positive that your feelings are not returned?"

"No... but it isn't encouraging odds."

"Have you spoken to this person about it?"

"That would be a negative, Spock. It wouldn't be wise either. "

Spock tipped his head curiously.

"May I ask why?"

"Me and... " He side eyed Spock. "them. Have a relationship that I don't want to ruin. It's not worth the fall out just to have my feelings acknowledged."

Spock considered a moment.

"I do not think it will turn out the way you imagine. I cannot foresee your advances being unwelcome."

Jim laughed bitterly.

"I appreciate that Spock but I doubt you'd understand."

Spock blinked at that.

"It may surprise you Jim, but I understand more than you realise."

Jim met Spock's eyes, surprised.

"Oh? How so Spock?"

Spock's eyes softened as they searched Jim's.

"The Vulcan practices allows one to control their emotions but does not make them immune. My upbringing also looks down on me from expressing any such feelings, I often envy your ability to communicate how you feel. Do not take that for granted, Jim."

Jim was speechless for a moment.

"I apologise for what I said. I guess I sometimes forget you're half human."

"For which I am grateful."

Jim laughed, genuinely this time.

"What will you decide to do?" Spock asked.

"I'll consider my options, Mister Spock."

"Which are?"

"I have no idea." Jim smiled wide.

He and Spock fell back into companionable silence whilst Jim's mind raced with what this whole conversation with Spock was alluding too. Was he reading into things? He for a moment thought he had felt something pass between them, he couldn't bring himself to nudge the subject and find out.

"May I ask you something?"

Jim turned to Spock who kept his gaze ahead.

"Of course."

"Uhura mentioned something that I overheard earlier. A purely human custom I presume, a strange one none the less."

Jim's brow crinkled. Uhura? ... His eyes widened slightly. He couldn't possibly be talking about-

"Valentines, I believe is what she called it. I pride myself on knowing most of Earth's traditions and customs but this one I do not recognise."

"Uh, no. I don't suppose you would. It's generally known as a day which humans dedicated to... love."

Spock's face showed nothing as he took in this information.

"Is that all?"

"Well, it depends. Some take it more seriously than others and that depends on who the person is that you have-- affections for and how strong that affection is. If it's someone you've been with for a long time then it's considered a bit of a faux pas if you should forget," Jim laughed then. "But then again even newer relationships can take a fatal hit if the day goes by unnoticed by one partner."

"It sounds to be somewhat of a superficial practice."

"Perhaps, but it's the sentiment of the day. That the person that you're in love with is appreciated and that your feelings are acknowledged."

Spock turned to Jim, he was wearing that wistful expression again.

"And that is what is causing your distress? Not having your feelings acknowledged?"

"Distressed is a strong word."

"The... target of your affections, have you known them long?"

Jim looked at Spock in his periphery.

"Long enough. That's why it's more complicated."

"Why more?"

"We've built a relationship that had nothing to do with romantic intentions, just because my feelings have developed doesn't mean their's has and is it worth risking a friendship that's been a grounding presence for me over that? I don't think so. I'll just have to deal with it."

"This person, they are... important to you?"

"Very. That's why it's better this way." He laughed with a hint of bitterness. "I've gotten pretty good at keeping my feelings to myself."

"I would say I am sorry that you cannot express your true feelings to that person, but perhaps I feel more sorry for them."

Jim looked at him strangely.

"For them? Why?"

"They surely would be denied a most attentive and affectionate partner."

Jim was suddenly very glad that it was relatively dark as his face coloured.

"I don't know about that, Spock."

"I have seen you with a number of romantic partners--"

"Alright, Spock..."

"and it may be true that none of them were the one for you, I do not not think it was from lack of trying on your part. You are a man of deep feeling, Jim and with that you desire something deeper and more permanent. I believe you will find that someday."

"What--" Jim pursed his lips. "What if I already did and it's just not meant to be?"

"I do not believe in not to be's, but perhaps, not yet's. It is possible that the time isn't right, but that does not mean you should give up. You're not one for losing faith in what others may see as impossible odds."

Jim had no answer to that and Spock didn't expect one. They stayed just sitting there for some time until Spock eventually made to leave.

"I would try to get some rest, it is late."

"Mmm." Jim looked up at Spock who was standing now, a soft smile on his face. "In a bit. I have a few things I want to think over before I go."

Spock nodded turning and walking away. Jim bit his lip, listening to Spock's footsteps as he debated something with himself. He stood up quickly, making up his mind before Spock got too far.

"Spock!"

Spock turned, looking questioningly.

"Yes, Jim?"

Jim could feel his heart race.

"If I were to ask this person if they felt the same, what do you think they would say?"

Spock lowered his eyes, Jim noted a slight curve of his lips.

"I think they may be more receptive than you believe. I imagine they might say, yes." Spock's eyes met his demurely.

Jim's chest tightened, an excited flutter flitting through it.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Perhaps you should ask them and find out."

"Perhaps I should."

Spock turned to leave again, not before Jim stopped him once more to speak.

"Spock, tomorrow, would you like to join me in another game of chess and... if you would, I'd like to ask you something."

Spock did not turn fully to address Jim, simply looked over his shoulder to say, "I would."

Jim let a small amount of relief flood through him, making sure not to get too far ahead of himself yet though. Spock left properly this time, Jim let a small smile escape, perhaps it wasn't as hopeless as he had supposed. The very idea that Spock could feel the same way almost seemed ludicrous, but if he had read what had just passed between then correctly, well, it was encouraging.

"Huh, well. What do you know?" Jim lightly chuckled to himself, he shook his head at himself for being so worried all this time, tomorrow could very well change everything. He turned to leave but how he was expected to sleep now, he wasn't sure.


End file.
